Nov 30, 2011
A Double Feature
Right now, I am trying to keep my mind focused on I Dream... but sometimes I can't help but dip into my other project when some piece of inspiration refuses to be ignored.
Just to give you a small sample of what is playing on the other big screen... Here is the first entry of Diary of a Freak... a semi-autobiographical novel about a girl who wants to just be seen for her, but she hasn't quite figured out who that is yet.
Diary of a Freak
You know that feeling when you are just learning to swim. Your strokes are confident in the shallow end, and then you take one... two... three more strokes. You are so proud of yourself until... Your feet float down to support you, but you have gone just too far. Your head dips down, and you swallow a little water as you gasp in surprise. The tip of your big toe reaches the bottom just as your face goes under. You push back up. Your arms are flailing, and your feet are kicking out sharply... floundering. That's what we call it in swimming terms. Not quite drowning, but definitely not on solid ground.
This is the story of my life... floundering.
October 13th, Friday
I don't know if diaries usually have a preface, but I figured that this diary needed one to explain to future generations that I am writing this against my will.
My mom came to 'have a talk' with me after several hours of being 'sent to my room.' She had her mouth all scrunched up in that 'I thought better of you' mixed with a touch of worried 'not you too.' I guess I get that since I am supposedly one of the normal kids around here.
She said after a little throat clearing and a pat on my knee, and I quote, "Lauren, I understand that you are... that you feel out of place. I know that living in our family has its challenges, but that doesn't give you the right to..." some more throat clearing before her eyes looked back up into mine with a spark of anger in them, "Well, it doesn't give you the right to embarrass your family, like you did."
Yes, she used the word embarrass! My mouth must have dropped open because her eyes just squinted more determinedly, before she went on. "Don't you even start. We are all in this together, whether you like it or not, and the sooner you realize that; the faster your life won't feel like... how did you put it? a 'freak show'?" She used actual air quotations to make me feel the full impact of my words... and I did.
She just sat there for what felt like forever, letting those words sink to the bottom of my stomach with a heavy thud. I knew I was in the wrong, but weren't they in the wrong when they went off and collected every weird kid from all of the corners of the earth, instead of giving their own kids a nice normal life? Yeah, I guess that might sound petty, but I feel a deep streak of petty, right now.
I just sat there with my legs crossed in front of me, hugging my pillow, unable to say anything... just waiting for the consequences of my actions to fall on my head. She gave an almost imperceptible nod after she had determined that I properly felt the weight of my actions and said the words I truly dreaded, "This is for your own good." First of all, never believe anyone that says "I only want world peace," or "It's not you, it's me," or especially, "This is for your own good." They are all lying through their teeth! Those words are a sure sign that whatever punishment you were expecting is actually going to be ten times worse than anything you could ever dream up on your own... and it was in a very evil-genius type of way.
So, these are the terms of my punishment:
1) I am to write in this stupid diary every day. Not just about anything though. No, I am to write about my family... my memories, my experiences, my feelings and all of that touchy-feely stuff that will help me to come to terms with any 'issues' I might have. (Yes, she did use the phrase come to terms and mini air quotes for issues.)
2) I am to write one true thing at the end of each entry. Something that I have learned on my own... that no one else has told me to believe. (I personally don't get it, but whatever.)
3) Lastly, I am to help with my sister's Special Olympics class coming up as a volunteer for three weeks. (Just what I need in my life... more weird people.)
Some of you FGs (future generations) out there are thinking that this doesn't sound so very awful; oh, but that's where you would be wrong. I think that I will have to give you a little history lesson in tomorrow's entry.
On a side note, I think that it is beyond ironic that I should finally have a melt down on Friday the 13th.
Truth: Whoever it was that said "Always look on the bright side of life." never had to deal with my life.